Ain't Nothin but the Blues Bar Review

'It's the size of a shoebox' my date tells me. 'And it's always rammo'. Possibly the worst two lines you could hand me when describing a venue. But those were my dates choice words as we hit the tube en route to the 'Ain't Nothin' but the Blues Bar' down Kingly Street in Soho. We slip by the doorman who punches his clicker twice.

Inside, the long bar to the right is 3 man deep and everyone is craning drinks backwards over their trilbys to the parties in wait. I snare a couple of Heini's and we fluke a couple of seats by the stage. The backdrop are old posters of blues greats with retro neon bar signs adorning the walls. Imagine Roadhouse the movie minus the wire mesh to protect the bands from missiles. The only thing missing is the smokey fog of old cigars circulating around the room. There should be a law allowing people to smoke in bars that play blues music.

Instead everyone has a rolled cigarette tucked behind their ear, they're table tapping, some are air drumming. Downstairs the toilets are flooded and there's no soap in the dispenser. Chalk portraits of Screaming Jay Hawkins, BB King, Fats Domino and other legends of the genre, stare me down from the walls by the stairwell. I think on my blues name as I sit through the next band which is more clean cut James Dean rock n roll. Intsantly I want to go the bar and tell Lou to give me a milk, chocolate, and have it slide across the bar like a tractor beam to my palm. I try this with my bottle of Heini and nearly stack it all over my date. When the burlesque dancers come on its all a bit too much for my English awkwardness so my date and I agree its time to hit the bricks. Overall the 'Ain't Nothin But the Blues Bar' reinvigorated my love not only for Back to the Future, but live music, specifically blues. I want to go home and start a blues band, get a wife, a dog, a drinking problem, just so they can leave me and I can sing about it.

Best dressed drug dealers in movies

As we celebrate Breaking Bad's, Aaron Pauls birthday today, we thought it would be relatively entertaining (but not overly) to see how his wardrobe fairs against other iconic drug dealers that have featured in TV shows or Motion Film. I present to you, the top five best dressed drug dealers from TV.

5# CAIN - ROBOCOP 2

Well they don't come any more dapper than a kick arse robot. Robocop's nemesis in this controversial sequel was Cain, who was originally a human that created a designer drug called Nuke. Robocop takes out Cain and his brain gets implanted into the latest RoboCop design. Its a much sleeker build than the original Robocop and has a Gatling gun on his arm. As my Granddad always told me, 'If you're going to be dealing drugs, its always handy to have a Gatling gun strapped to your forearm'.

4# FLANAGAN - COCKTAIL

Yes a barman pushing liquor is still a drug dealer. Cruise plays Brain Flanagan in this 80's hit that turned every barman into a show off idiot over night. His Hawaiin shirts and ray bands were a perfect centre piece for this comedy/drama. When Flanagan gets quized by his new holiday romance Elizabeth Shue why he slept with one of his customers, his rebutle was 'When a guy lies down a dare, you gotta take it.' A little advice guys if you're ever trying to explain your way out of a marital affair. Never ever, ever EVER use that line. Trust me, it doesn't wash.

3# BENDER - THE BREAKFAST CLUB

With the stone wash denim jacket and red tartan shirt, Bender was perfectly dressed for the role of the rebellious student kept in for Saturday detention. Whilst him and the motley crue of other detainee's were kept captive in the school library for the duration of the movie, Bender managed to bring some cannabis to the party. Of course its clear that John Hughes the writer and director has never cannabis before as when Emilio Estevez has a few puffs he goes on a crazy run around the library, hurdling tables and screaming out windows. Come on John, do some research. 

2# MR BIG - LIVE AND LET DIE

That's right baby. Mr Big, the Heroin dealer that leaves all his key business decisions to a fortune telling Jane Seymour. Probably not the best idea as she soon becomes conflicted when Bond, played by Roger Moore starts slipping her one. I reckon Mr Big should have gone into the fashion trade instead. Look at that red silk shirt and off white jacket combo. What a dazzler. 

1# EDDIE - LIMITLESS

There are trailers out advertising LUCY the new film with Scarlet Johansson in which Morgan Freeman explains that Lucy is the first to use more than 10% of her brain. Well what about Eddie in Limitless ah Morgan? and Travolta in Phenomenon? Regardless of how many times the storyline has been lifted or ripped off, you can't deny that Bradley Cooper looks the don in those especially tailored suits that has a unique inside lining purpose built for stashing those, 'vitamins'.  

Dress like Leslie Grantham

Not everyone makes the leap from Leslie Grantham the actor and Fort Boyard presenter, to Leslie Grantham the fashion icon. But as it's his birthday today and I have 20 minutes to kill before my next nap. Here is your guide on how to dress like Eastenders Dirty Den. 

1# White Shirt.

Jesus Christ have you ever read Leslie Grantham's Wikipedia page? It reads like a demons resume. I mean just the opening paragraph, LESLIE GRANTHAM KILLS GERMAN TAXI DRIVER. He done 10 years in the nick then got dishonourably discharged. How can you get DIShonourably discharged? Had I known he was a cold blooded murderer I never would have recommended anyone to dress like Leslie Grantham. But I'm here now, and he does suit a simple white collar shirt don't you think? 

2# Blue Shirt.

I honestly thought Leslie Grantham was a darling of the BBC and a pillar of the British Institution. However not only is he a murderer, he was also embroiled in an online sex scandal after he was caught simulating oral sex whilst masturbating. I mean if this was a storyline on Eastenders you wouldn't believe it would you? However he does look rather dashing in a blue collar shirt doesn't he? 

3# Corduroy Jacket

After he was finally killed off in Eastenders in 2004 he called the scripts 'weak' and called his co-star Shane Richie 'self-infatuated'. What did Shane Richie ever do to you Leslie? Apart from completely out act you in every department. He really is an unsavoury sort isn't he. However I guess he can be partially forgiven as he does look the part in this wonderfully fitted Corduroy Jacket. 

4# Leather Jacket.

Look at him here. You'd think butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. But what if I told you that he likes to dress up as Captain Hook whilst sharing his sexual fantasies with animals? Honestly I don't know how this man ever made it on the BBC. I guess it might have something to do with his incredible dress sense. No one wears a leather jacket like our Leslie. 

5# Suit and tie.

Here he is looking a bit more presentable. Overall I guess he isn't such a bad bloke. Happy birthday Leslie. 

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Dress like Jack Nicholson

It was Jack Nicholson's birthday this week I couldn't resist taking a nostalgic look back through his wardrobe in films. It may sound like a tenuous link, and people may argue that it was also celebrity chef Gary Rhodes's birthday this week, why not do a blog on him? It's a good point, it's a good point well made.

'You don't get two dimes Martinez, you get sh*t'.

On second thoughts, to hell with Gary Rhodes. He didn't top the Rolling Stones top actors list 3 times in a row from the years of 1977-1980 did he? No Jack Nicholson did. A simple outfit here taken from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. A green t-shirt underneath a blue denim shirt. Have a fag hanging out the corner of your mouth and your hair spiked back in no particular fashion. You wouldn't be able to pull this off dressing like Gary Rhodes. If you get caught smoking in the kitchen you'll get chucked out like a drinking fountain in a mental institute.

'I want you to hold it between your knees'.

This is probably the most underrated Nicholson movie Five Easy Pieces. Here Jack is rocking what is known as a Raglan sweater. Popular with Baseball players. If you saw Gary Rhodes swooning about in something as cool as that you'd immediately think how much better it would look on Jack Nicholson. 

'Incase you're wondering I won't be letting you infect me with the plague either'.

'Jack won an oscar for his part in As Good As It Gets. This blazer is a beaut and stopped Helen Hunt in her tracks.  For the record Gary Rhodes has never won or even been nominated for an oscar. Is he even on TV anymore? 

'NIK NIK NIK...Ahhhhh...Indians'.

This is probably as close as Gary Rhodes will get to looking as good as Jack Nicholson. Here in Easy Rider he rocks his white lawyer suit. Not too far off the Gary Rhodes Chef Whites. Well actually, it's probably quite far removed from the Gary Rhodes wardrobe, but I feel like I have torn into our Gary quite unnecessarily in this feature. He hasn't really done anything wrong.

'What's your beef?'

Here you go Gary. No hard feelings. 

What to put on your business card

You may be an up and coming big shot with your leather briefcase and your tailored mustache, but without a decent business card you're a nobody in my book sunshine. Here are some crucial tips from what all the big dicks like me expect from a business card. 

1# Printed on poor quality paper 

Have you ever been handed a business card at the end of an intriguing conversation, only to find that the card is flimsy, lightweight and made out of toilet paper? A business card made out of toilet paper albeit, absorbent, will crumple when forced into the sleeve of your wallet or pocket. So don't cut corners on the material because people are literally going to be feeling the fibre of your fabric.

2# Always have braille

Made from toilet paper

Yes always have some braille going on incase you need to hand your business card over to someone who is blind. The blind community are often over looked (pardon the pun) when it comes to business cards,imagine you are trying to sell your product to a wealthy blind person and your card is ineligible to them because you didn't have the foresight (again pardon the pun) to have it printed with braille. Look into the future people. (Pun intended).

3# Don't have too much information

It may be interesting to have a complete list of your sexual history written on the back of your business card, but the chances are it will distract people away from your brand and the promise that your company is attempting to deliver. Maybe have a laminated list at hand of your sexual history and present it separately to your client should he request it.

4# No photo

It's a novel idea to have a picture of yourself somewhere on the card, but unless you are blessed with some incredibly good genes, then it may come across as narcissistic. If you are narcissistic then it might be an idea to have a current photo rather than one of you in a band 15 years ago, when you had hair and hope in your eyes.

Check the spelling

5# Always have a joke

If you're like me you may have a cupboard full of business cards that you daren't open for fear of being instantly crushed under a business card avalanche. However if the card came with a witty knock knock joke then it may end up in my wallet rather than in my toilet. Perhaps refrain from racist or Anti-Semitic quips, or have some racist and Anti-Semitic cards printed separately incase you get introduced to Jim Davidson or Kilroy-Silk.

Missing Andy Q&A

As they are about to embark on their 2014 tour, I caught up ALex Greaves, frontman of MISSING ANDY, for a quick chat. 

People know you best from your performance in the Braintree College stage production of Macbeth in 2008. Where have you been for the last 6 years?

Up until 2009 I was chasing the infamous 'Shakespeare High', trying to feel as good as I did being lifted across the stage in the most bizarrely choreographed fight scene. I've been to some dark places, joined part of a Shakespeare squatting cult, who would occupy closed down theaters and act out their favourite monologues, all trying to get that high. Thankfully after an intervention with family and friends I came through the other side, and replaced Shakespeare with performing in a band called Missing Andy, and have been touring with them ever since.

How do you like to spend your days when hungover?

With a large raspberry tango ice blast from the cinema. That's a must. The rest is just learning to cope. I played football a couple of times hungover, that felt disgusting.

Why do you think West Ham's Kevin Nolan is so angry all the time?

Because he's never had an England call up.

My Dad said he came to see play at The Dublin Castle 4 years ago. He was disgusted that you spat on the ceiling and it dripped onto my brothers jacket who was stood underneath. I haven't stopped laughing since but I was wondering if you had any recollection of the event?

Haha! No I don't recall gobbing on the ceiling, unless it was one of my water spraying displays? In which case it would've been 94% water and 6% spittle. Either way, send your father my apologies and tell your brother he can send me the dry cleaning bill.

The biscuit with the best dunkable qualities?

The custard cream for me, it's a great dunking shape, you're not gonna bash the edges around the inside wall of the mug, the double biscuit reinforced with the mortar that is the creamy filling means there's less chance of a biscuit breakaway, which is a nightmare, nobody wants a load of sodden biscuit in the bottom of their coffee or tea.

How often do you practice your sex face infront of the mirror?

Ever since the tragic orgy accident of '06, I've vowed never to use my real sex face ever again. With great power comes great responsibility. Nowadays I practice my fake sex face daily, just to be safe.

Last time you followed through?


When I was 12. Something was so funny I literally laughed so hard I shit. Things became less funny soon after.

Where can we see Missing Andy next?

We're next gigging at Rayleigh in Essex on March 7th, where we will be performing a brand new track and getting Rob Jones 'birthday drunk'. But you can check out our upcoming dates on www.missingandy.com

Review of Van Gogh Sunflowers

When I heard that Van Goghs Sunflowers were being put side by side for the first time in 60 years at The National Gallery in London, my initial reaction was one of elated joy. For far too long now Van Gogh's work has suffered from a lack of exposure, due mainly to the artists omission from The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Whilst the likes of Donatello, Raphael, Leonardo Da Vinci and Michelangelo have all cashed in on the free publicity given by the fictional team of anthropomorphic reptiles, Van Gogh's legacy has been sitting quietly in the shadows.

But now Van Gogh's PR team have come up with a marvelous idea to try and create some press for the struggling artist. The Dutch Van Gogh museum have lent us their 'Sunflowers' which pales in comparison to our one, take my word for it. In fact if you google all the Sunflowers I think The British one pisses on them all, possibly with the exception of the Japanese Sunflowers, but fear not patriots, that was destroyed in a house fire during the World War Two, so we can sleep safely in our English beds knowing we are top dog when it comes to the Sunflowers.

Brief History

As many of you know Van Gogh thought it would be nice to have a few paintings adorning the guest room of his Yellow House that he was renting in the South of France in 1888. He was expecting a visit from his buddy Paul Gauguin. Apparently Gauguin rocked up in his G-Star Hooded Sweat and had a spell there but the two quarreled and Gauguin threw all his toys out of the pram and left. Before he did however he asked Van Gogh if he could take the 4 Sunflower paintings from the guest room. Van Gogh told him, in no uncertain terms, to do one.

VERDICT

A must see. The X-ray canvasses show the genesis of the paintings and are themselves, worth the price of admission. Which is nothing.

The changing looks of Damon Albarn

This weekend the Blur frontman will headline the first festival staged by BBC Radio 6 Music. It will be the first time that fans will get a chance to hear slices of Albarn's debut album 'Everyday Robots'. Here is a quick look at the several stages of Albarn's wardrobe metamorphosis that has wowed the public over the years.

1# LEISURE

Starting at the top with their debut album 'Leisure'. Albarn was insistent that the poorly-lit untoned torso look was the future of British Pop. At the time it created an unprecedented amount of attention and in a show of solidarity, both Blur fans took to the street and burnt all their t-shirts and hid in shadows. Unfortunately, the poorly-lit untoned torso look proved to be a fad as Albarn was seen the next day fully dressed buying a scratch card down the Spar in Chessington.  







2# MODERN LIFE IS RUBBISH

Well it's a move in the right direction at least. Here Albarn can be seen wearing his Dad's blazer from the Rotary Club and at least he has made some kind of effort with his hair. At first glance it looks like he has let himself and both his fans down by being photographed holding a can of Halfords Vauxhall Arden Blue spray paint. However reports of graffiti and vandalism hit an all time low as the youths discovered that it was no longer cool thing to do. Police said they were indebted to Albarn for his proactive work in keeping the streets clean and have since asked public figures such as Boris Johnson, Eammon Holmes and Nick Knowles to follow suit.

3# PARKLIFE

Remember liking this song then feeling ashamed when Albarn and Daniels played it live at the Brits in 2012? Apart from both Blur fans, the rest of us set fire to our sofas and committed wild acts of domestic violence as a direct result of that horrific slice of television. The Slazenger jacket is now worth a tidy sum however. Slazenger was reportedly impressed with the amount of 'boings' Albarn could do in a single in a minute and gave him the jacket for free.








4# THE GREAT ESCAPE

Had such hits as 'The Universal' and Albarn and the band appeared in all white clerical aesthetic. A look clearly lifted from the 1971 Kubrick film 'A Clockwork Orange'. In light of this new direction, both Blur fans took to the street to impersonate some of the violence portrayed by Alex DeLarge and quasi-droogs. They were killed in record time and the band issued a statement to the press 'We are very sorry to hear about the loss of both our fans. Should we get more fans in the future we will be more sensitive to how impressionable they might be.' 


5# BLUR

And finally, (well not quite finally they had another 2 albums after this but I have lost the motivation) their self titled album Blur arrived with singles such as 'Song 2' and 'Beetlebum'. Fred Perry asked Albarn to do a special design for it's 60 year anniversary. Albarn opted for a subtle minimalist piece and submitted a white polo with a '6' by the brands logo and a signature by the bottom hem. The company issued a statement saying 'We really expected better than this from Albarn. In terms of designs we have received so far 'This is a low.' F*ck you that's an amazing joke.' 

One Chav and his dog

One chav and his dog 

Society has questioned for sometime whether dog-fighting is actually a front for most Chav's owning and breeding dogs. One spokesman for the Chav movement has declared that Chav's have 'nothing to hide' and all necessary torture on their dogs are done to enhance their killer instinct in the ring. We sent our investigative reporter behind the scenes to find out what are the real motives for owning a chav dog.


The Bull Terrier



Bull Terriers are renowned for being incredibly independent. The Bull Terrier is perfectly suited for the lazy stoner Chav as it is perfectly capable of walking himself, sourcing his own food and can even bring home a wage to contribute to the households out goings. Though typically the tax payer will foot the bill for all the Chav's day to day expenses and the Bull Terrier's wedge will go towards the Chav's girlfriend tit job. 








The Staffordshire Bull Terrier

One for the Savvy Chav. The Staffordshire Bull Terrier is known for its character of intelligence, which is why you may have seen a rise of Chav's at your local pub quizzes. 'The Chav's are cleaning up at the weekly quizzes these days.' One landlord was quoted as saying, 'You can see their dogs whispering in the ears of their owners. Previously the Chav's could only answer questions about reality TV and the strength of Kestrel lager, but thanks to their cognisant canine companions, they can answer pretty much anything.' 





The Rottweiler

Rottweilers are commonly used as search and rescue dogs, as guard dogs or police dogs, and as guide dogs for the blind. The fraudulent Chav will fake blindness to claim a disability allowance and have incorporated the Rottweiler as part of their cunning rouse. Kenzie Voi, a Chav from Staines, told an inside reporter 'No ones gunna mess with you bruv. No ones gunna ask questions innit if you gotta rotter on a lead. I can walk through the drive-thru at McDonalds with one of these. As long I don't get caught reading Max Power in public or tell reporters what I'm doing I'm onto a winner, quali'ee'. 



The Bullmastiff

Activities bullmastiffs enjoy include obedience, agility and tracking. The forgetful Chav will often utilize the tracking skills of the Bullmastiff, when he or she has misplaced his lighter, his keys to his pimped Citroen Saxo, or even his fake burberry baseball cap, then the multi-purpose molosser will sniff it out within seconds. 




The Snoop Dogg

Yes a faithful companion to any Chav's stereo. Chav's will often have an inherent fixation with all things hip-hop and the Snoop Dogg is often revered as the tip of the spear for the voice of the Chav movement. Often heard late at night as a Chavalanche of pimped up Nova's descend upon an empty supermarket car park.

Get the John Lydon look

John Lydon aka Johnny Rotten is best known for his starring role in the Country Life butter commercials. But in his youth he was also the lead singer of a tiny punk band called the Sex Pistols . 

The band caused nationwide uproar in much of the media, when guitarist Steve Jones called Bill Grundy a "f**king rotter" on live television. In Jones's defence, Bill Grundy was hitting on one of the bands groupies 40 years his junior and goaded Jones to pad out the last five seconds of the interview with profanities. Today we play a quick homage to some of the prototypical outfits that John Lydon sported during arguably his finest hour of his musical career.

How about this jacket campers? It's all in the detail. A spluttering of Patriotic graffiti with black bordered lapels, complete with its own syringe for ones narcotic necessities. I doubt you'll get past the bouncers in your local wetherspoons, but I'd put money on the heavies not even batting an eye on the door of The Hawley Arms in Camden. In fact, for science, try getting served with the needle in your wrist whilst tightening a belt round your little lily-livered bicep.

Lydon shifts gears seamlessly into this beautiful estranged fisherman's cargo net. If you were looking to buy this effeminate number in some posh french chic-boutique it would probably set you back near on a grand. However if you happen to hit Yarmouth beach during high tide then you'll be able to pick up something like this for next to nothing. You may find the garment wrapped around a seal carcass, some driftwood, or even a dead drifter.       

As Pesci would say 'Don't let the earrings fool ya.' Underneath this green v neck sweater, the headmasters blazer and his dimpled impishness, lies a rapscallion reprobate that got kicked out of school at the age of 15 and swore on national TV. He did say that Green Day were 'not punk, just bubblegum,' which is actually, just good science.

Ok I'm focusing more on the globe beanbag in this picture. It far outshines the golfing cardigan and shiny Clarke shoes. There are certainly outfits that are tailored for shoots as opposed to the stage. Incidentally John Lewis are knocking these beanbags out for £75. I'd say that's a little steep for heap of polystyrene beans. Not all of us are hammering cheques from butter commercials. I'm not bitter, really.

And lastly no iconic punk look would be complete without the propellor shredded, mother shrunk, school boy jumper with skinny tie and drainpipe trousers. The thing with the distressed school boy look is that if you were seen rocking these round the back of the bike sheds you'd probably be expelled on the spot. Though Lydon was expelled, maybe this one was a mugshot taken shortly after the event. 

The Deets at the Proud Galleries

When I was out in Texas a few years back, (playing the SXSW Festival thanks for asking) you couldn't get into a bar without showing your ID or passport on the door. I don't know when we started this horse-crap over here, but my last two outings to the big smoke have all began with unnecessary profiling. Bouncers are now asking for ID, not for age requirement purposes, not because they believe your part of an Al Qaeda sleeper cell, but so they can get your personal details and spam you in every orifice for the rest of your life. The terrorists have won by default. These clubs and bars don't need to see your National Insurance number or your birth certificate for security details, all they're interested in is pumping your inbox with endless promotions and pointless e-flyers. I could go on, and I will. Tell the assholes with the clipboards you don't have any ID and start walking away. On both the occasions I have done this I've been called back.
'Ok we'll let you in, just this once.'
To which I always say, 'You told me that last week'.

Anyway, so I enter the Proud Galleries. The girl at the bar, who is wearing a white lace basque with matching stockings and suspenders, stiffs me £4 for half a lemonade. I stick my jacket in the cloakroom and when I ask the attendant if I will get my two quid deposit back, he looks at me like I've just asked him to put his cock in my drink. What happened to those days when you used to get your deposit back for putting your jacket in the cloakroom? 

Deets in full flow

There is something going on in each booth of The Proud Galleries. There's some kind of raffle for single people, there's a queue for tattoo's and there's a band called The Deets on the main stage. At a glance I'd say they're the bastard child of Maximo Park and The Futureheads, on closer inspection I'd say I was right. Here is a quick Q&A with someone from The Deets.

How often does your drummer get mistaken for Non from Superman 2? 

The drummer from The Deets

To be honest, we've not heard that one before but after having a look at Non, I think that name could stick. He's usually known as the grizzly bear or the abominable snowman.

Best venue in London to gig right now?

Got to be the Roundhouse in Camden. Jono & Ian saw Vampire weekends there a few months back and the place was buzzing. Definitely one we want to perform at in the future.

Who's ass stinks the most in the tour bus?
Definitely Mikes (bassist). His arse never shuts up, it's f*uckin annoying.

You've played in store at Liam Gallagher's Pretty Green store. What would you call your brand of clothing if the band was to launch one?

Well, we like to dress smart as a band. We're big fans of Pretty Green, Fred Perry, Ted Baker etc. however if we were to call our brand of clothing a name, I think we'd have 'Bearded Clothing.' 

Non from Superman 2

The guitarist in my old band once said 'Wouldn't it be great if we were all gay, we could suck each other off to help pass the time between sound checks and shows. How do you guys pass the time?

Hmmmmmm. I suppose that would be a good thing yes, but we pass the time but taking the p!ss out of each other non stop. 

Ever met a sound guy that doesn't have body odour issues?
We have actually. Very rare but there's been a couple of decent sound guys who seemed to have showered before the gig. Always a bonus when you turn up and that happens.

What's next for you guys? Album release? EP? Single?
Well, we've just come out the studio after recording a 4 track EP. Our management are currently sorting a support tour for the next couple of months. The plan is to play to as many people as possible, then hopefully an album for next year.

Who do you think should be the next Bond?
It's got to be Pete Doherty right?! Just imagine him trying to save the world. He'd just be in the corner absolutely f*cked. Great TV come on!