What to put on your business card

You may be an up and coming big shot with your leather briefcase and your tailored mustache, but without a decent business card you're a nobody in my book sunshine. Here are some crucial tips from what all the big dicks like me expect from a business card. 

1# Printed on poor quality paper 

Have you ever been handed a business card at the end of an intriguing conversation, only to find that the card is flimsy, lightweight and made out of toilet paper? A business card made out of toilet paper albeit, absorbent, will crumple when forced into the sleeve of your wallet or pocket. So don't cut corners on the material because people are literally going to be feeling the fibre of your fabric.

2# Always have braille

Made from toilet paper

Yes always have some braille going on incase you need to hand your business card over to someone who is blind. The blind community are often over looked (pardon the pun) when it comes to business cards,imagine you are trying to sell your product to a wealthy blind person and your card is ineligible to them because you didn't have the foresight (again pardon the pun) to have it printed with braille. Look into the future people. (Pun intended).

3# Don't have too much information

It may be interesting to have a complete list of your sexual history written on the back of your business card, but the chances are it will distract people away from your brand and the promise that your company is attempting to deliver. Maybe have a laminated list at hand of your sexual history and present it separately to your client should he request it.

4# No photo

It's a novel idea to have a picture of yourself somewhere on the card, but unless you are blessed with some incredibly good genes, then it may come across as narcissistic. If you are narcissistic then it might be an idea to have a current photo rather than one of you in a band 15 years ago, when you had hair and hope in your eyes.

Check the spelling

5# Always have a joke

If you're like me you may have a cupboard full of business cards that you daren't open for fear of being instantly crushed under a business card avalanche. However if the card came with a witty knock knock joke then it may end up in my wallet rather than in my toilet. Perhaps refrain from racist or Anti-Semitic quips, or have some racist and Anti-Semitic cards printed separately incase you get introduced to Jim Davidson or Kilroy-Silk.