What to put on your business card

You may be an up and coming big shot with your leather briefcase and your tailored mustache, but without a decent business card you're a nobody in my book sunshine. Here are some crucial tips from what all the big dicks like me expect from a business card. 

1# Printed on poor quality paper 

Have you ever been handed a business card at the end of an intriguing conversation, only to find that the card is flimsy, lightweight and made out of toilet paper? A business card made out of toilet paper albeit, absorbent, will crumple when forced into the sleeve of your wallet or pocket. So don't cut corners on the material because people are literally going to be feeling the fibre of your fabric.

2# Always have braille

Made from toilet paper

Yes always have some braille going on incase you need to hand your business card over to someone who is blind. The blind community are often over looked (pardon the pun) when it comes to business cards,imagine you are trying to sell your product to a wealthy blind person and your card is ineligible to them because you didn't have the foresight (again pardon the pun) to have it printed with braille. Look into the future people. (Pun intended).

3# Don't have too much information

It may be interesting to have a complete list of your sexual history written on the back of your business card, but the chances are it will distract people away from your brand and the promise that your company is attempting to deliver. Maybe have a laminated list at hand of your sexual history and present it separately to your client should he request it.

4# No photo

It's a novel idea to have a picture of yourself somewhere on the card, but unless you are blessed with some incredibly good genes, then it may come across as narcissistic. If you are narcissistic then it might be an idea to have a current photo rather than one of you in a band 15 years ago, when you had hair and hope in your eyes.

Check the spelling

5# Always have a joke

If you're like me you may have a cupboard full of business cards that you daren't open for fear of being instantly crushed under a business card avalanche. However if the card came with a witty knock knock joke then it may end up in my wallet rather than in my toilet. Perhaps refrain from racist or Anti-Semitic quips, or have some racist and Anti-Semitic cards printed separately incase you get introduced to Jim Davidson or Kilroy-Silk.

Missing Andy Q&A

As they are about to embark on their 2014 tour, I caught up ALex Greaves, frontman of MISSING ANDY, for a quick chat. 

People know you best from your performance in the Braintree College stage production of Macbeth in 2008. Where have you been for the last 6 years?

Up until 2009 I was chasing the infamous 'Shakespeare High', trying to feel as good as I did being lifted across the stage in the most bizarrely choreographed fight scene. I've been to some dark places, joined part of a Shakespeare squatting cult, who would occupy closed down theaters and act out their favourite monologues, all trying to get that high. Thankfully after an intervention with family and friends I came through the other side, and replaced Shakespeare with performing in a band called Missing Andy, and have been touring with them ever since.

How do you like to spend your days when hungover?

With a large raspberry tango ice blast from the cinema. That's a must. The rest is just learning to cope. I played football a couple of times hungover, that felt disgusting.

Why do you think West Ham's Kevin Nolan is so angry all the time?

Because he's never had an England call up.

My Dad said he came to see play at The Dublin Castle 4 years ago. He was disgusted that you spat on the ceiling and it dripped onto my brothers jacket who was stood underneath. I haven't stopped laughing since but I was wondering if you had any recollection of the event?

Haha! No I don't recall gobbing on the ceiling, unless it was one of my water spraying displays? In which case it would've been 94% water and 6% spittle. Either way, send your father my apologies and tell your brother he can send me the dry cleaning bill.

The biscuit with the best dunkable qualities?

The custard cream for me, it's a great dunking shape, you're not gonna bash the edges around the inside wall of the mug, the double biscuit reinforced with the mortar that is the creamy filling means there's less chance of a biscuit breakaway, which is a nightmare, nobody wants a load of sodden biscuit in the bottom of their coffee or tea.

How often do you practice your sex face infront of the mirror?

Ever since the tragic orgy accident of '06, I've vowed never to use my real sex face ever again. With great power comes great responsibility. Nowadays I practice my fake sex face daily, just to be safe.

Last time you followed through?


When I was 12. Something was so funny I literally laughed so hard I shit. Things became less funny soon after.

Where can we see Missing Andy next?

We're next gigging at Rayleigh in Essex on March 7th, where we will be performing a brand new track and getting Rob Jones 'birthday drunk'. But you can check out our upcoming dates on www.missingandy.com

Review of Van Gogh Sunflowers

When I heard that Van Goghs Sunflowers were being put side by side for the first time in 60 years at The National Gallery in London, my initial reaction was one of elated joy. For far too long now Van Gogh's work has suffered from a lack of exposure, due mainly to the artists omission from The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Whilst the likes of Donatello, Raphael, Leonardo Da Vinci and Michelangelo have all cashed in on the free publicity given by the fictional team of anthropomorphic reptiles, Van Gogh's legacy has been sitting quietly in the shadows.

But now Van Gogh's PR team have come up with a marvelous idea to try and create some press for the struggling artist. The Dutch Van Gogh museum have lent us their 'Sunflowers' which pales in comparison to our one, take my word for it. In fact if you google all the Sunflowers I think The British one pisses on them all, possibly with the exception of the Japanese Sunflowers, but fear not patriots, that was destroyed in a house fire during the World War Two, so we can sleep safely in our English beds knowing we are top dog when it comes to the Sunflowers.

Brief History

As many of you know Van Gogh thought it would be nice to have a few paintings adorning the guest room of his Yellow House that he was renting in the South of France in 1888. He was expecting a visit from his buddy Paul Gauguin. Apparently Gauguin rocked up in his G-Star Hooded Sweat and had a spell there but the two quarreled and Gauguin threw all his toys out of the pram and left. Before he did however he asked Van Gogh if he could take the 4 Sunflower paintings from the guest room. Van Gogh told him, in no uncertain terms, to do one.

VERDICT

A must see. The X-ray canvasses show the genesis of the paintings and are themselves, worth the price of admission. Which is nothing.