The changing looks of Damon Albarn

This weekend the Blur frontman will headline the first festival staged by BBC Radio 6 Music. It will be the first time that fans will get a chance to hear slices of Albarn's debut album 'Everyday Robots'. Here is a quick look at the several stages of Albarn's wardrobe metamorphosis that has wowed the public over the years.

1# LEISURE

Starting at the top with their debut album 'Leisure'. Albarn was insistent that the poorly-lit untoned torso look was the future of British Pop. At the time it created an unprecedented amount of attention and in a show of solidarity, both Blur fans took to the street and burnt all their t-shirts and hid in shadows. Unfortunately, the poorly-lit untoned torso look proved to be a fad as Albarn was seen the next day fully dressed buying a scratch card down the Spar in Chessington.  







2# MODERN LIFE IS RUBBISH

Well it's a move in the right direction at least. Here Albarn can be seen wearing his Dad's blazer from the Rotary Club and at least he has made some kind of effort with his hair. At first glance it looks like he has let himself and both his fans down by being photographed holding a can of Halfords Vauxhall Arden Blue spray paint. However reports of graffiti and vandalism hit an all time low as the youths discovered that it was no longer cool thing to do. Police said they were indebted to Albarn for his proactive work in keeping the streets clean and have since asked public figures such as Boris Johnson, Eammon Holmes and Nick Knowles to follow suit.

3# PARKLIFE

Remember liking this song then feeling ashamed when Albarn and Daniels played it live at the Brits in 2012? Apart from both Blur fans, the rest of us set fire to our sofas and committed wild acts of domestic violence as a direct result of that horrific slice of television. The Slazenger jacket is now worth a tidy sum however. Slazenger was reportedly impressed with the amount of 'boings' Albarn could do in a single in a minute and gave him the jacket for free.








4# THE GREAT ESCAPE

Had such hits as 'The Universal' and Albarn and the band appeared in all white clerical aesthetic. A look clearly lifted from the 1971 Kubrick film 'A Clockwork Orange'. In light of this new direction, both Blur fans took to the street to impersonate some of the violence portrayed by Alex DeLarge and quasi-droogs. They were killed in record time and the band issued a statement to the press 'We are very sorry to hear about the loss of both our fans. Should we get more fans in the future we will be more sensitive to how impressionable they might be.' 


5# BLUR

And finally, (well not quite finally they had another 2 albums after this but I have lost the motivation) their self titled album Blur arrived with singles such as 'Song 2' and 'Beetlebum'. Fred Perry asked Albarn to do a special design for it's 60 year anniversary. Albarn opted for a subtle minimalist piece and submitted a white polo with a '6' by the brands logo and a signature by the bottom hem. The company issued a statement saying 'We really expected better than this from Albarn. In terms of designs we have received so far 'This is a low.' F*ck you that's an amazing joke.' 

One Chav and his dog

One chav and his dog 

Society has questioned for sometime whether dog-fighting is actually a front for most Chav's owning and breeding dogs. One spokesman for the Chav movement has declared that Chav's have 'nothing to hide' and all necessary torture on their dogs are done to enhance their killer instinct in the ring. We sent our investigative reporter behind the scenes to find out what are the real motives for owning a chav dog.


The Bull Terrier



Bull Terriers are renowned for being incredibly independent. The Bull Terrier is perfectly suited for the lazy stoner Chav as it is perfectly capable of walking himself, sourcing his own food and can even bring home a wage to contribute to the households out goings. Though typically the tax payer will foot the bill for all the Chav's day to day expenses and the Bull Terrier's wedge will go towards the Chav's girlfriend tit job. 








The Staffordshire Bull Terrier

One for the Savvy Chav. The Staffordshire Bull Terrier is known for its character of intelligence, which is why you may have seen a rise of Chav's at your local pub quizzes. 'The Chav's are cleaning up at the weekly quizzes these days.' One landlord was quoted as saying, 'You can see their dogs whispering in the ears of their owners. Previously the Chav's could only answer questions about reality TV and the strength of Kestrel lager, but thanks to their cognisant canine companions, they can answer pretty much anything.' 





The Rottweiler

Rottweilers are commonly used as search and rescue dogs, as guard dogs or police dogs, and as guide dogs for the blind. The fraudulent Chav will fake blindness to claim a disability allowance and have incorporated the Rottweiler as part of their cunning rouse. Kenzie Voi, a Chav from Staines, told an inside reporter 'No ones gunna mess with you bruv. No ones gunna ask questions innit if you gotta rotter on a lead. I can walk through the drive-thru at McDonalds with one of these. As long I don't get caught reading Max Power in public or tell reporters what I'm doing I'm onto a winner, quali'ee'. 



The Bullmastiff

Activities bullmastiffs enjoy include obedience, agility and tracking. The forgetful Chav will often utilize the tracking skills of the Bullmastiff, when he or she has misplaced his lighter, his keys to his pimped Citroen Saxo, or even his fake burberry baseball cap, then the multi-purpose molosser will sniff it out within seconds. 




The Snoop Dogg

Yes a faithful companion to any Chav's stereo. Chav's will often have an inherent fixation with all things hip-hop and the Snoop Dogg is often revered as the tip of the spear for the voice of the Chav movement. Often heard late at night as a Chavalanche of pimped up Nova's descend upon an empty supermarket car park.

Get the John Lydon look

John Lydon aka Johnny Rotten is best known for his starring role in the Country Life butter commercials. But in his youth he was also the lead singer of a tiny punk band called the Sex Pistols . 

The band caused nationwide uproar in much of the media, when guitarist Steve Jones called Bill Grundy a "f**king rotter" on live television. In Jones's defence, Bill Grundy was hitting on one of the bands groupies 40 years his junior and goaded Jones to pad out the last five seconds of the interview with profanities. Today we play a quick homage to some of the prototypical outfits that John Lydon sported during arguably his finest hour of his musical career.

How about this jacket campers? It's all in the detail. A spluttering of Patriotic graffiti with black bordered lapels, complete with its own syringe for ones narcotic necessities. I doubt you'll get past the bouncers in your local wetherspoons, but I'd put money on the heavies not even batting an eye on the door of The Hawley Arms in Camden. In fact, for science, try getting served with the needle in your wrist whilst tightening a belt round your little lily-livered bicep.

Lydon shifts gears seamlessly into this beautiful estranged fisherman's cargo net. If you were looking to buy this effeminate number in some posh french chic-boutique it would probably set you back near on a grand. However if you happen to hit Yarmouth beach during high tide then you'll be able to pick up something like this for next to nothing. You may find the garment wrapped around a seal carcass, some driftwood, or even a dead drifter.       

As Pesci would say 'Don't let the earrings fool ya.' Underneath this green v neck sweater, the headmasters blazer and his dimpled impishness, lies a rapscallion reprobate that got kicked out of school at the age of 15 and swore on national TV. He did say that Green Day were 'not punk, just bubblegum,' which is actually, just good science.

Ok I'm focusing more on the globe beanbag in this picture. It far outshines the golfing cardigan and shiny Clarke shoes. There are certainly outfits that are tailored for shoots as opposed to the stage. Incidentally John Lewis are knocking these beanbags out for £75. I'd say that's a little steep for heap of polystyrene beans. Not all of us are hammering cheques from butter commercials. I'm not bitter, really.

And lastly no iconic punk look would be complete without the propellor shredded, mother shrunk, school boy jumper with skinny tie and drainpipe trousers. The thing with the distressed school boy look is that if you were seen rocking these round the back of the bike sheds you'd probably be expelled on the spot. Though Lydon was expelled, maybe this one was a mugshot taken shortly after the event. 

The Deets at the Proud Galleries

When I was out in Texas a few years back, (playing the SXSW Festival thanks for asking) you couldn't get into a bar without showing your ID or passport on the door. I don't know when we started this horse-crap over here, but my last two outings to the big smoke have all began with unnecessary profiling. Bouncers are now asking for ID, not for age requirement purposes, not because they believe your part of an Al Qaeda sleeper cell, but so they can get your personal details and spam you in every orifice for the rest of your life. The terrorists have won by default. These clubs and bars don't need to see your National Insurance number or your birth certificate for security details, all they're interested in is pumping your inbox with endless promotions and pointless e-flyers. I could go on, and I will. Tell the assholes with the clipboards you don't have any ID and start walking away. On both the occasions I have done this I've been called back.
'Ok we'll let you in, just this once.'
To which I always say, 'You told me that last week'.

Anyway, so I enter the Proud Galleries. The girl at the bar, who is wearing a white lace basque with matching stockings and suspenders, stiffs me £4 for half a lemonade. I stick my jacket in the cloakroom and when I ask the attendant if I will get my two quid deposit back, he looks at me like I've just asked him to put his cock in my drink. What happened to those days when you used to get your deposit back for putting your jacket in the cloakroom? 

Deets in full flow

There is something going on in each booth of The Proud Galleries. There's some kind of raffle for single people, there's a queue for tattoo's and there's a band called The Deets on the main stage. At a glance I'd say they're the bastard child of Maximo Park and The Futureheads, on closer inspection I'd say I was right. Here is a quick Q&A with someone from The Deets.

How often does your drummer get mistaken for Non from Superman 2? 

The drummer from The Deets

To be honest, we've not heard that one before but after having a look at Non, I think that name could stick. He's usually known as the grizzly bear or the abominable snowman.

Best venue in London to gig right now?

Got to be the Roundhouse in Camden. Jono & Ian saw Vampire weekends there a few months back and the place was buzzing. Definitely one we want to perform at in the future.

Who's ass stinks the most in the tour bus?
Definitely Mikes (bassist). His arse never shuts up, it's f*uckin annoying.

You've played in store at Liam Gallagher's Pretty Green store. What would you call your brand of clothing if the band was to launch one?

Well, we like to dress smart as a band. We're big fans of Pretty Green, Fred Perry, Ted Baker etc. however if we were to call our brand of clothing a name, I think we'd have 'Bearded Clothing.' 

Non from Superman 2

The guitarist in my old band once said 'Wouldn't it be great if we were all gay, we could suck each other off to help pass the time between sound checks and shows. How do you guys pass the time?

Hmmmmmm. I suppose that would be a good thing yes, but we pass the time but taking the p!ss out of each other non stop. 

Ever met a sound guy that doesn't have body odour issues?
We have actually. Very rare but there's been a couple of decent sound guys who seemed to have showered before the gig. Always a bonus when you turn up and that happens.

What's next for you guys? Album release? EP? Single?
Well, we've just come out the studio after recording a 4 track EP. Our management are currently sorting a support tour for the next couple of months. The plan is to play to as many people as possible, then hopefully an album for next year.

Who do you think should be the next Bond?
It's got to be Pete Doherty right?! Just imagine him trying to save the world. He'd just be in the corner absolutely f*cked. Great TV come on!

John Travolta is 60 today

John Travolta turns 60 today. He has been entertaining cinema goers for decades portraying such iconic  characters like Tony Manero in Saturday Night Fever, Vincent Vega in Pulp Fiction and Terl in Battlefield Earth. He has also been the subject of some controversy regarding his alleged behaviour at certain L.A massage parlours. But hey, if you don't ask you don't get, and surely a polite request for a reach around is not worth one million dollars in emotional damages. Anyway, I digress. Here is a quick look at some of Travolta's finest moments on screen. 

We start at the top in 1977 with Saturday Night Fever.  It's all about the tight silk shirts and the flares that ride up to your nipples. It also includes this exchange. 

Connie: So, are you as good in bed as you are on that dance floor?

Tony Manero: You know, Connie, if you're as good in bed as you are on the dance floor, then you're one lousy f**k.

A year later Travolta appears in probably one of his most famous roles as greaser Danny Zuko. Grease was a wonderful advert for smoking, leather jackets and brill cream. It featured a whole list of wonderful hits like 'Sandy' whose lyrics included 'Why, you left me oh Sandy'. You really don't know John? You tried to rape her at the drive-in! The poor girl ran screaming for her life. Oh Sandy why? Cry me a river John.

Look Who's Talking (1989). Remember this classic where the main gag of the film is the audience gets to hear what a child is thinking. It's a hilarious concept right? And would you believe that at some point during this movie, Travolta drinks breast milk by mistake. Oh the humanity! The Eighties really was a mixed bag for movies.

But all is forgiven as Tarantino salvages Travolta's career, dragging it up from its shoe laces in the 1994 classic, Pulp Fiction. This film catapulted Travolta into the limelight once more. It also did wonders for Samuel L Jackson who has appeared in every other movie since its release.

YEH Broken Arrow. 'I said Goddam what a Rush'. I actually really like this film. Travolta plays a maniac called Deak who harbors dreams for nuclear fallout whilst rocking a roll neck sweater. Travolta smokes cigars in real life and you can tell by watching him smoke cigarettes in films. He holds the cig wedged way up between his fingers, with super-straight, exaggerated, angular release and recapture as he takes a drag. Its a cigarette John not a freakin tiperrilo.

What kind of Pat Butcher lover are you? (viz pending)

With the news this week that the BBC bosses are to relocate the square from Hertfordshire to Salford, we ask, what Pat Butcher lover personality type are you?

TYPE: Dirty Den

Although never portrayed on screen, it was often referred to as part of Pat's back story that she had brief affairs with Den Watts aka 'Dirty Den'. If your a typical Type Den then you more than likely use and abuse women like Pat. When you're not banging girls half your age, or knocking your 3rd wife down the stairs, then you're probably spending most of your time deleting your incriminating sexual history on wikipedia. Eventually you may either end up buried in the cellar of your own drinking establishment, or stranded in a fort talking to dwarves whilst beating off to Melinda Messenger running around in a low cut top and lycra.





TYPE: Patrick Trueman



Chances are you're quite charismatic. Like Dirty Den you're also partial to a bit of domestic violence, but then it is the trend. A typical Type Patrick will have a checkered past and likes to have his affairs in the work place. Your life will be pretty much revolve around other, more interesting people and whether they want to include you in their criminal proclivities, such as storing stolen alcohol and fireworks in your basement. You will possibly have to perform several DNA tests during your time as a result of your previous promiscuous endeavors, but ultimately, you couldn't give a toss about the results because you'll inevitably be off your face on Caribbean Rum.  




TYPE: Pete Beale

Again never actually happened on screen but Pete Beale slipped Pat one when she was a 16 year old prostitute. If you're Type Pete Beale, you will refer to everything female as 'treacle' and you probably enjoy a simple life. The only time you'll find yourself pre-occupied by things other than fruit and veg, is when you suspect that your children aren't from your seed and every woman in your life may in fact, be a manipulative bitch. When your love for fruit and veg narrative runs its natural course, you can look forward to a life spent in the dole queue whilst your character is killed off screen in a needless car accident.






TYPE: Frank Butcher

Frank and Pat had a sexual history as long as the Walford Canal. Unfortunately like the canal, it was filled with murky secrets and used condoms. If you are a typical Type Frank, you will consider yourself very big in the business world, when in reality, you have a dodgy car dealership and/or a lap dancing club. You're a regular heart breaker and like to come out of the woodwork every now and again just to generally do a bit of good old fashioned shit stirring.

   

TYPE: Roy Evans

If you're a Type Roy you really are amongst life's bottom feeders. You will be taking orders from a woman like Pat all day, but unlike Type Frank and Type Den, you will have a good moral core and suffer erectile dysfunction leaving you unable to play the field. Your offspring spawned from your more virile days, will be a manic depressant and will be locked into a loveless marriage before being pushed off a cliff by said wife.