Nautical Numbers (Clothes make the man)

In a bid to try and impress a cute girl in my local news-agent, I once bought an edition of 'Yachting'. An editorial dedicated to the latest ground breaking news in the Yachting universe. Of course it didn't work, and what was I expecting? For her to assume I have a yacht and become over whelmed in a fit of capricious passion that would result in her ripping off my clothes and ravaging me on the counter? So these days instead of buying a syndicated Yachting magazine, I simply kit myself in the kind of clobber that makes me look that I might actually know the difference between starboard and port. (Ps - Port is left. If you need help remembering that imagine the expression 'there is no port left in the bottle', especially after I've had an hour in its company). 

 

There are two numbers you can chance to pull off this look. If you're feeling flush then this sweet little number from Folk is in the sale right now for 250 nicker. This is so up market you get a free yacht with it. I am of course joking. But if you want to stand at the helm and look like a pro, then this is my choice. However if your budget won't allow for the pricey high echelons of nautical attire, then UCLA provide a more than adequate substitute. This UCLA Spears Puffa Jacket comes with a button fasten hood and zip fastening to the front as well as the two front pockets. The waist has a toggle drawstring fastening and tonal seam stitching. The Puffa forges close links with the equestrian and nautical sports. Clearly an item best seen worn when guzzling on the finest wines available to humanity, debating the beauties of an in-out driveway with your rich father-in-law on the quarterdeck aboard his brand new yacht. 

Best dressed boxers

Here is a list of the top 5 best dressed boxers. It's based on scientific research so please don't write in to dispute it. 

5#
FRANK BRUNO

Ahh the beloved Frank. Now Frank has had quite the career. He has been accused of molesting and assaulting his wife along with having a sustained addiction to cocaine. But it's not all been good times for our Frank. He also suffered a crushing first round defeat in the 1989 Christmas special of Family Fortunes. He seems pretty chipper these days however and now dons the kind of suits you might see on Jim Carrey or Jeff Daniels in Dumb and Dumber.

4#
CHRIS EUBANK

I can forgive the lisp, the business suits, the cane, the pocket watch, the narcissism of walking into fights to Tina Turner's 'Simply the Best' before leap frogging the ring ropes, but when you start wearing a flipping monocle. You have to have some sympathy with Bruno really. When the police came to section him he must have been thinking, 'Why are you coming for me? Eubank minces around dressed like Patrick Moore and I'm getting put in a padded cell?'

3# 
GEORGE FOREMAN

I quite like the 70's Foreman wardrobe. He rocked up to fight Ali in Zaire dressed like he should have been playing bass in The James Brown band. Unfortunately he lost his title to Ali, citing lack of concentration during the fight. 'I suddenly had this great idea for a fat reducing grilling appliance between the 3rd and 4th rounds,' George said in the post match press conference. 'it was unfortunate that I had such an entrepreneurial vision during the biggest fight of my career, but that's the curse of being a genius.'  



2#
TOMMY MORRISSON 

Yes other wise known as 'The Duke'. Which is a coincidence because that's the exact name I give to my junk. Now just looking at this picture you wouldn't be able to tell me if this was taken in 1987 or 1988. He was also coined the Shephard of shell suits leading the scouse sheep through the 80's. 

1# BERNARD HOPKINS

Easily one of the most stylish boxers on the circuit right now. And at the age of 48 he is one of the oldest boxers to win an IBF belt when he flopped contender Tavoris Cloud in 2013. He shrouded himself in controversy with his comments in his pre-match press conference with Joe Calzaghe "You're not even in my league! I would never let a white boy beat me." Barked Hopkins. "I would never lose to a white boy. I couldn't go back to the projects if I let a white boy beat me." He lost and was ex-communicated from the projects as a result. 

Dress like David Grohl (only taken)

When I worked on a willow farm I knew a guy that used to do tattoos on the side. He used to power through an 8 pack every saturday night and desecrate a part of his body with a new tiger tattoo. Even his drunk tiger tattoos look better than Dave Grohl's. Honestly have you seen them? Anyway I won't tear in to the guy too much, and luckily his songs are far better than his 90's tribal back alley tramp stamps. Here is a quick look at some of his outfits over the years. 



He often goes for the Lumber Jack two-toned check twill look. The long sleeves, curled to the elbow are conveniently hiding his terrible ink as described earlier. Shades are a must and a handlebar muey complete the rockabilly look.
"I have never done cocaine, ever in my life. I have never done heroin, I have never done speed," he said in a 2008 interview. Congratulations David, if you didn't smash through 40 fags a day and a swimming pool of gin every night I'd have you do a talk at my school. 

Or you good simply slum it in a casual denim over shirt with button down breast pockets. A typical rich man/poor man piece. Would look good either on a front man for one of the biggest band in the world, or if you're heading for an interview down a breakers yard, wear this number, roll up the sleeves, have an allen wrench poking out one of the breast pockets and you'll look incredibly employable. 

Lastly this ensemble which proves David can scrub up with the best of them. A roll neck top with RAW denim, very debonair David. The unpolished texture clearly complimenting David's rugged roughewn streak. Dave is a massive advocate for gay rights "You know what that's about? I believe in love and I believe in equality and I believe in marriage equality." However still yet to play Madame Jo Jo's down in Soho hey David? Come on, put your balls where your mouth is as they say in the trade. 

Nicolas Cage turns 50

Nicolas Cage is 50 today. So in honour of one of the most mercurial actors of our generation I have compiled a list of best Nicolas Cage outfits in movies. I have also inserted some clips of his eccentric mostly over the top acting moments.

BAD LIEUTENANT 

Terence McDonagh

My favourite Nicolas Cage performance. He plays a plays a corrupt lieutenant that sees iguanas when he hallucinates. His outfit is just a schlubby ill fitting grey suit that compounds the misery and nihilism of the character he portrays. Here is one of my favourite scenes where he is waiting for his prescription.

CON AIR

Cameron Poe

'Now why couldn't you put the bunny back in the box.' This film really does kick ass and Cage with his guns soaked in arm butter, rocks a white vest and some stone wash denim to match his hair plugs and dodgy southern accent. Here is one of my favourite clips from the movie, it's not the bunny scene but a mexican stand off with Cusack.

FACE OFF 

Castor Troy

It's the film where John Travolta does the annoying face stroke. I mean really, it's just more creepy than the scene where Castor Troy impersonates a priest and grabs the ass of a young choir girl whilst singing Handel's Messiah. Before he transforms into Travolta and vica versa, Castor Troy dons a classy velveteen silk shirt with a long black overcoat with a tail made to look like a super villains cape. I have included the choir scene for your viewing pleasure.

GONE IN 60 SECONDS

Memphis Raines

'It never Raines is pours'. Yes possibly one of the worst movie lines in history. The rest of the film is pretty hacky as well but there is something rather watchable in this film. It might be the fact that Vinnie Jones turns up half way through and squashes someone's nuts like he did Gascoignes back in the day. However Cage is seen sporting a smooth black leather jacket for most of this flick. The jacket and the original 73 Mustang (Eleanor) are probably the best things in the movie. 

SUPERMAN

Clark Kent

Ok so he never actually played Superman, but he was in the running for the role. Here are some casting shots of what Superman could have looked like if Tim Burton's 'Superman Lives' would have gone ahead if it didn't fall apart in pre-production in the mid 90's. Happy Birthday Nicolas Cage.